Month: February 2018

Walking this earth on a search, search of the other half. A half that was created from my rib at the beginning of time and left to wander this Earth alone. Leaving me feeling empty, hallow inside. Both created of purpose but lost by the separation of land and time. We wander now and for eternity as we search out for each other, even though we would never know if we found each other.

By pure chance a day comes where we meet and bond. We become friends, talking to each other about our problems and our days. Out of this entire universe we meet, when the slightest alteration in the fabric of space could of torn us apart. I would say it was destiny, but it was something more than that. Space and time bended to make our fabrics collide and stitch together. Something I’m still in awe about.

Oh how different life could’ve been if a leave fell in the wrong spot or I could’ve stepped in the wrong direction. We would’ve never met and this empty hole would still be a void to this day. We would eventually find suitable counterparts but it would never been the same. Each not fitting correctly and flush like me for you. We would learn to live with the differences. We would love the other part like we would’ve loved each other.

Then, again what a beautiful thing that life would move in a direction away from perfection. To find love that doesn’t fit, that isn’t perfect, that has its flaws. To love the other person no matter their imperfections and for them to love us the same. Love has its way to shape us to better people, to teach us valuable lessons we wouldn’t have learned on our own and to humble us in our imperfections. Love is not perfect, but it is strong enough to survive the divide.

I’ve always wondered what leads people to cheating. Do they not realize how painful it is to the other half, to be led into a sense of false security and to have all sense of trust broken in an instant. I’m not in a place to judge because I’m not perfect, no one is. But what is the worth of a love that cannot last through temptation and divide. It can be painful to end a relationship with someone you knew for a long time. But it can be infinitely more painful to be caught being unfaithful as both hearts break and love leaves altogether. Leaving the room empty and void of all connections of what this universe worked so hard to create.

The universe has lead me blindly. I followed because I knew eventually it would lead me to friends, family and relationships I would never have thought to have. I followed because I knew their would be no other way to go. I followed because I knew it lead to you.

“Living each day as if it was your last suddenly becomes so much truer as you approach your last. Under a year ago I was diagnosed with stage 4 pancreatic cancer.  You’re life changes for the worst as you fully realize you don’t live for ever and every breath brings you nearer to death. At first I counted down each day even though it sounds morbid to my supposed expiration date. I quit my job, I took my savings and planned the last of my adventures.

Throughout my entire life I always had a bucket list. Day in and day out I would collect things to do before I went. On the list, I put skydiving, rock climbing, traveling abroad and so much more. My thought process was that I would have a bunch of time to do whatever I wanted on the list. I never realized their would come a time in which I would have to pick between one item and the other. Suddenly the bucket list became so much more than a list of things I wanted to do but instead a checklist of everything I needed to do. No matter how small it was on the list I did it, no matter how big it was on the list I did it. From going to eat at a fancy restaurant to traveling to going to India to experience the difference of their lifestyles to ours, I did them all faithfully starting at the end of the list and going to the beginning. I got to experience so many new and exciting things for awhile it took my mind off my situation and I just lived freely with nothing holding back. In a weird way it was great, to go into each day with no responsibilities and instead do what you want to do. The bucket list did it’s job to distract me from my untimely demise for awhile until the pages started getting pulled from the calendar and my symptoms starting worsening.

I went from feeling fine to coughing blood to being so fatigued I could barely move in what seemed like an instantaneous moment. I didn’t let that deter me from my bucket list though, I got my parents to stroll me with my ventilator and my gadgets from place to place. I couldn’t thank them enough not just for the assistance in making my way through my bucket list but for everything they done before that from looking after me as a kid to help paying for my expenses. I realized that all of this wouldn’t have been possible if it wasn’t for them. So I drafted a will leaving everything I owned to them.

It felt weird as I approached the last few items on my list. But even though they were easier it took so much longer to do them since I was began to go into spurs of complete sickness where I could not move from my bed and had pain from head to toe. But still I lasted and worked on the list as the days lasted longer but brought closer a period of uncertainty. After all the time I spent working on making it through the list I grew focused on one line at a time so when I got to my list item it surprised me.

“Fall in love” was the last thing on the list. When I saw it I almost lost it due to my last item being impossible to accomplish with a small amount of time. I had to think that this was just a list and had no significance. But as I sit here in my hospital bed I could not let it go so I had a friend transcribe everything I’ve said so far. I had a realization. I completed the final item on the list. I fell in love with life, I fell in love with my friends who stayed with me to the end, I fell in love with family who showed their support, I fell in love with strangers who showed empathy in the smallest ways. I fell in love with every single person who at some point helped no matter how big, no matter how small. I love you.”

He sat down in his quiet flat. Desperately wanting to scream but holding it back.

“How could this happen?” He thought to himself as tears welled up in the back of his eyes. “No don’t cry, you are stronger than this.” After his thoughts were quieted and he calmed himself, he sat up and went to make some coffee. As he went into a kitchen out of the corner of his eye he spots a picture frame. Gently, he took the photo and placed it face down to obscure the photo. He waited and waited for the coffee to brew, just quietly listened to the drops of coffee until it finished. When it finally finished he took the pot, poured himself a cup and sat down at the table.

Before him was the photo overturned as he mustered his strength not to turn it over. His strength faded and he gave into the pressures to look at the photo.

“Oh, how I’ll miss you.” He thought as he looked at the photo. For a moment all he thought about was all of the things he never said, never did and never would be able to do. Pain swelled up inside him and grew to tears as he continued to think of all the missed opportunities. He never cried this much in his life, he always prevented himself from doing so.

“Its the silence. Its the void. Its the lack of her voice.” He pondered to himself as picking up a tissue to clean himself up. “I wonder if I’ll ever love again?”

Silence once again took over the setting and time seemed to freeze as he just sat and drank his coffee. Emptiness filled all the places she once was.

“All the good times we had. Like the time we went on a hike out in the woods and just talked for what seemed like days. Or the time we stood next to each other in the freezing rain and not having a care in the world.” He thought as continuing to fill his mind with memories, “Or the time I met your parents and how terrified I was but you beside me calmed my nerves. Or the time we spent the night making dinner together and you making fun of me for how little I knew how to cook.”

“It was the best of times, you and I. I’d give anything to go back and live them again.” He said breaking the silence that enveloped the room.

“I know I wasn’t best. I wasn’t the best boyfriend, I wasn’t the best husband, I wasn’t the best man. But if you look down on me now from above: I love you, more than you’ll ever know. I know I didn’t say it enough but I hope in our lives I’ve demonstrated it enough. I love you, I love you, I love you. I’ll miss you.” He said out loud as the room quickly returned to silence.

Silence of no one having a conversation, silence of no one telling each other how much they love each other, silence of no one expressing how much they love the others cooking. The sound of silence is a cacophony to those who’ve lost. Words not said, love not shown, actions not done. In this silence you build your own reality, a reality of they had no idea of how much you loved them and you didn’t do anything right for them. In all reality you did your best just being their when times got rough, when the road grew thin and the obstacles seemed insurmountable. It isn’t about what you didn’t say, it is about what you did say: the kind words of support and patience, the words of humor to lighten the mood and pain and the lack of words as you listened to their problems. You were there and they know that.

“Well what is the worst that can happen?” I thought to myself as I arose from bed to start another day. As I got up I sent a text to my girlfriend as I do everyday. Once I was done typing I went and got in the shower. Odd, I turned on the hot water and as soon as I got in it was freezing cold.

“It is going to be another one of those days.” I thought to myself as forcing myself to shower in the ice cold water. As soon as I got out of the shower I looked around for a second and realized no more towels were in the bathroom so I had to sprint back to my room. At first it went all right as I ran from the bathroom back to my room to hopefully not run into any of my family. But suddenly I lost friction beneath my feet and fell straight on to my back.

“Ow, god dang it!” I yet out in a yell as I held my back in pain. Now realizing that my parents probably already left to work and I still had to get to school, I embraced the pain as I went to my parents bathroom to find some pain relievers. Luckily, I found a towel to dry off with in their bathroom but unluckily no pain relievers were to be found in sight.

“I guess I’m just going to have to endure this pain today, as soon as I get to school the day will get better.” I thought to myself while making my way back to my room to put clothes on, get my bag together for the day and get ready to leave. Now, this was when I realized something was peculiar, my sisters were no where to be found as I went to get them to leave. I pulled out my phone to check the time and was in shock when the time was 9:00 AM and I was 2 hours late to school. Now in a full sprint to get out the door, I threw my bag over my shoulder and picked my keys off the counter. Throw my bag in the car, dive in the drivers seat, turn the key. Once, twice, three times, nothing.

“Please, please I need this, I can’t be this late to school again.” I prayed quietly as I prepared for a fourth turn of my keys. Hear the quiet roar of my engine as it begins to work and makes it all the way to full strength.

“YES, THANK YOU.” Put the car in to reverse, gun it down the hill, put the car in drive and gun it up the street.

“I’m late, I’m late.” I thought to myself as I begin speeding down the small roads of my home town. My phone vibrates as I receive a text, I look down for a brief second.

“Where are you?! You missed first period!” Pops up on my screen, it is my girlfriend, I need to respond. Carefully, I pick up my phone to text. As I type everything goes in slow motion, the people ahead of me brake, I put down my phone to react. Too slowly. Shards of glass fly and cut my skin, my head hits the dash, as I fly out of my seat and through the front windshield. What follows next is the sound of snapping, glass hitting and shattering on the floor, screams and sirens blaring down the street. I was so numb I felt like I was experiencing this all in third person as people look and watch the scene unfold, as the paramedics talk to me and I can’t respond, as I’m put in the back of the ambulance. The last thing I remember before waking up in the hospital and receiving the worst news of my life is my phone vibrating one more time out of pure irony as my girlfriend texts me again wondering where I am.

Whoever thought the world would end? Not me that is for sure. I would never of imagined losing everything in a blink of eye. Whenever I thought of the world ending, I imagined that it would include the end of me. It is weird to not hear a single sound from another human person, animals and I even began to miss the sound of cars. But this is why I began writing, to give me a reason to feel, to think and to inspire myself to continue on. My motivation is to find more survivors even as the odds are starting to seem more and more impossible.

I have found one living creature besides me. A dog, well to be more exact a golden retriever, named Bailey. Luckily, the dog had on a collar so I could identify it’s name. Bailey liked me instantly as soon as she saw me. She ran down the rows and rows of grass towards barreling towards me. Out of all the things to find after the apocalypse, man’s best friend was the last thing I expected to find.

Bailey and I strolled through cities, towns and suburbs together on the search for someone else. But, once again we found no one. Just one day I woke up and went to work where no one was to be found. At first I thought we were given the day off and somehow I was the only person not to get the memo. On the way back home I noticed further lack of cars and people on the streets. It was like everyone just woke up, packed their bags and left.

I had one theory though. I’m not that religious of a man but from time to time I have read the bible even more so recently. I think I might be in purgatory and Bailey is my guardian angel that is why she would never leave my side, not even for instant.

In the bible I continued to read further and further into the idea of purgatory and about the idea of the cleanse of sin. So I decided to everyday go to church and pray for forgiveness that I may be cleansed. I emptied my brain of every impure thought. I took about everything I said and thought against religion. Nothing worked.

I noticed something, I haven’t realized before. It never rains, it never snows, it never has a cloudy sky. It is always the same clear day. The sky actually never changed except it going from day to night. Every cloud stayed in the exact spot, the stars never moved. Is this a simulation, a test? Did the government decide to pick me out of all the people to see what secrets it would unlock and what I would do? I screamed as loud as I could at whoever was holding me hostage, all I got was a confused look from Bailey. Maybe they weren’t listening so I decided to go as far as I could because if the sky didn’t change then there must be a limitation of how far I can go.

So Bailey and I traveled several days, several nights to find the edge of the simulation. On the final day I thought maybe I was just being too hopeful and truly everyone was gone. But then I saw in the distance, what I can only describe as a pure cliff. No land continued past it so I ran to it as fast as possible just in case it was to update and remove the end. I wasn’t fast enough as I saw land appear from nowhere where the drop off was.

I don’t know what this test is. I don’t know what you want from me. I don’t have any clue. But if you watch me so diligently to know when I reach the edge then you will watch me write this. You’ll read what I write. I hope you have mercy, I don’t know how to pass this experiment or if I ever will. Give me a hint. LET ME GO.

A dense winter coat, boots, long jeans and hands held deep their pockets, I walked. Snow fell gently to the ground as I marched up the street. My eyes looked around and took in the beauty of the moment. The cold beckoned as my hands shivered and ears grew numb. I didn’t care. It was one of those moments you wouldn’t dare miss for the world. Stars shined down from the heavens above and moonlight filtered its way in from the trees, illuminating my path. Breath-taking is how I would describe it as the road came to an end and trees surrounded me. I’ve been here many times before but every time it is different.

A t-shirt, tennis shoes, shorts and hands held loosely at my side, I walked. Dew gently lined the grass as I strode up the street. My eyes looked around and took in the beauty of the moment. The heat beckoned as my hands sweat and legs grew tense. I didn’t care. It was one of those moments you wouldn’t dare miss for the world. The beautiful blue sky shined off the grass and sunlight filtered its way in from the trees, illuminating my path. Breath-taking is how I would describe it as the road came to an end and trees surrounded me. I’ve been here many times before but every time it is different.

Same road, different perspective. Even on the days of bad fortunes you walk and remain strong for days ahead will be better. Even on the days of good fortunes you walk and remain strong for days ahead will be worse. Wake up, find yourself on a different road to go to sleep and the next day find yourself on a road once traveled on before. Use the wisdom, use the memory to better face the hardships of that road but also don’t forget to take a new turn and do something different.

If you lose sight your roads can all become extremely similar, less unique. They’ll be unique as the roads will be yours but lose uniqueness as become repetitive even to a point of being boring. The only thing changing will be difficulties like the changing of seasons. People you’ll miss due to walking past them as your path remains parallel.

Open your eyes, take a risk, take a new path. Don’t necessarily change for the sake of changing but instead change to have new encounters and new experiences. The people you’ll meet that you would never have met, the memories you’ll make that you would never have experience.

As life progress you’ll feel pain, anger, despair and at some point agony. The road will grow thinner and thinner, more and more rugged as the concrete turns to grass and grass to dirt. It’ll seem as if your road is coming to an end. But instead this is where the adventure begins, where the road ends. Continuing may be difficult as you journey where no person has inhabited before. But the sights you’ll see, that have never been seen before. But the experience you’ll have, that have never been had. A new beginning, as you journey to where new roads begin.